“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
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I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me: