Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
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Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter