I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
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This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.