Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
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What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
This forever.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?