Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
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You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.