[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
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I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
💯😂
the saddest jazz hands ever
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Yup.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death