Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
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Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Practicing safe sax
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
How dude HOW?!
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”