You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
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My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
You had me at “define legal”.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches