Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
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My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”