Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
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Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
What about a To-Don’t List?
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
I’m sorry…what?
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.