superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
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Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):