In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
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me
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?