Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
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Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
A family that plays together cheats.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly