I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
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He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.