Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
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Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.