I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
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Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*