When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
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Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
I found your tweet-up…
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.