*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
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hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?