“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
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Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.