Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
You Might Also Like
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine