The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
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(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.