Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
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Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.