I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
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Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.