RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
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I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I think about this a lot
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Awesome parenting 😂
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?