Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
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The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
it’s a van. how do they not know this
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”