You Might Also Like
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Don’t tell me what to do
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.