Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
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All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
incredible text to wake up to
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
just left a huge legacy in there
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?