wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
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If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.