I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
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sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
🤣🤣🤣🤣
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her