Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
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Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Pot warmers of the day.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing