I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
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With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.