FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
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Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.