[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
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*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.