I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
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I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind