Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
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Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I wrote a book called βThe Sun Also Risesβ until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to βThe Sun Also Rises Too As Wellβ
The single greatest thing Iβve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
My therapist: and what do we say when weβre sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Cats donβt understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks Iβm a Mario Brother for a living.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
i want the met gala theme to be βwork from homeβ and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Dad: Iβm sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.