ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
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I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
What the hell is going on?
How I like cutting carbs
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies