tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
You Might Also Like
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary