Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
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My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.