the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
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marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket