I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
You Might Also Like
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
life finds a way
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Bro what is this
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker