netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
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So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Oh. My. God.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace