Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
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Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I’m crying im so happy for them
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.