a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
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Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”