Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
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One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
my mind
You just read my mind
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup