eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
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I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.