Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
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I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”