I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
You Might Also Like
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”