*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
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*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Growing out my freckles.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…