My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
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Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
🙁
turn that frown upside down
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