I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
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Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Bringing home a sharpie
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Remember folks 😂
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish